maandag 14 april 2014

The first year.

Deventer, 14/04/2014

My Darling Bram,

2nd of April 2014.
A year has passed since you left the earth forever on the 2th of April 2013 at 11.30 hrs.
It wasn't always easy living alone.
There were feelings of loss and fear, loneliness and buckets of tears.
But there were warm friends around me who took care of me.

I made you a promise that I would continue living.
Ofcourse at that time I couldnt imagine how my life would be after you were gone.
I also promised you -but couldn't guerantee-  
that if a good man would knock on the door, I would open that door and let him in.

I did open that door on the 28th of December.
Jos came into my life. 
You are aware of the story how we have met, so I don't need to tell you. 
But your part in it is very special. 
I could hear you saying: that is him, open the door and let him in.
I did, with an open heart, soul and mind. 
You have made me very happy by telling me.

It is a miracle, after being a widower for 8 Months.
I can tell you that I really, really love this man.

I don't want you to think that you are out of my mind and heart, because that isn't true. You are, and always will be a big part of my life.
2013 has given me the most difficult moment when you left, but at the end it gave me a new life with a new lover.

7 of us went to the graveyard at the 2nd of April.
Close friends around me.
The sun was shining, a warm and beautiful day.
Spring really has come, just as last year.
Coffee and "gevulde koeken".
The same red tulips as last year. 
50 of them.
The same name: "Strong Love",

A little ceremony by placing the tulips round your stone.
I couldn't stop crying.
Jos spoke out my favourite poem which he wrote.

I stoppend crying when I felt that it was allright.

In the evening friends came in for a drink.
Some of them did meet up with Jos for the first time. It all went well.
Talking and laughter. I felt good and happy being host together with Jos.
You would have loved to be there. You were ofcourse, but not alive.

I know and feel that you are proud of me. That I made something out of it all. That I 
didn't get lost, or got stuck into a depression. 
And that I have opened the door for a new relation.
Guess my optimistic character has helped me a lot. And that we have talked about it before you passed away. I want to thank you for those words and your feeling for life you have given me. 

Darling, I will publish this letter on my blog. 
I feel I own this to my -and our- friends. 
They have been very supportive over the years.

Forever yours,
Love, Jan


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