zondag 27 oktober 2013

Sad Saturday....

Today, I have again experienced what grief can do tot the human soul...to my soul..
I don't know why, but today was a very hard one for me.

It did start just after waking up.. tears, while having a shower.
Tears when I met friends in town who invited me for coffee on a sunny terrace..tears again there..
Almost tears when I picked up my bread at the bakery and 3 of my best friends -who where having coffee there- invited me to have a drink with them too.. I could feel they where a bit worried about me.
Later one of them came to my home to bring some home grown veg and flowers..and I couldn't stop crying..
A neighbor came to invite me for a dinner at their place. I made the arrangement for the coming Friday, and when she was gone..tears again..
And while writing this..I am crying..

At a day like this I notice by myself that I have a different eyesight. I feel nervous and insecure with myself. A kind of secluded feeling.  People notice that. I try to be as normal as ever, but on the other hand I feel so fragile, and this skin around me is so thin. One push, a nice word or the question: how are you today?..and emotions are running.

At those moments I feel the need to try to find out why this is happening right now...

Was it the celebration from  his Birthday last Tuesday..when I had invited a group of my very best friends to have dinner at our (still hard to write My) house? 
And yes, of course...there were emotional moments during that evening..but we also celebrated life together. How wonderful it is for me to sit round the table with friends I love so much..who love me and who love him..

Or was it the confrontation with death on Wednesday afternoon when I went to a funeral from a friend of Bram..of which I had the feeling that I had to go instead of him? I didn't know her very well, but I felt that I had to go in his name.

Has it been perhaps my great day out with dear friend Tiny to the exhibitions on the Dutch Design Week in Eindhoven? Where I have seen beautiful innovations and energy from young designers.. He himself as a designer couldn't come with us. 
It was lovely going there together with Tiny..we had a very good time together..
(I will write a blogpost about this trip)

Maybe it is because of the moments I am going alone to the cinema, or work at the Theater and watch interesting performances. 
I did see "Trafic" from Jacques Tati and "Blue Jasmine" from Woody Allan last week, and an interesting solo performance on Friday night about Garry Davis done by Marjolein van Heemstra.
But I always miss him next to me, and a talk about it afterwards.

Still I meet people who knew him, but who don't know that he has passed away. Last night, in the theater I met (I didn't know her) his physiotherapist. She told me that he has been a very brave man, and that she really liked him a lot for his personality, his open mind and that he was a warm person.

So many things reminds me of my years with him. I watched a documentary this morning about Norway, and immediately I was walking there with him on the first holiday together.

Perhaps it is a combination of it all..
But it can hit you so unexpected..
I always feel it comes from behind. 
I can't prepare myself for it..
He is so gone..gone forever..definitive..and of course I know that.
There is no returning to better days..of course I know that.
But realizing and knowing are two different things.
Only memories stay. Bright and vivid memories from beautiful moments.
But on a day like this even this doesn't help.

But Hearth and Head are not always synchronized.
Today they walked behind each other, and they put me back to the world of grieve and mourning. A sad Saturday while the weather was bright, breezy and sunny (the kind of weather we both love so much..Scandinavian weather we always called it)
We have been very connected to each other. That is the best thing what has happened to the both of us. But it also makes it hard to deal with, when the one you love most is gone forever.

Maybe I just have to accept those days..
Stay inside and be nice to myself.
Just accept it and don't fight against it..

But I am a fighter..perhaps I have to stop it for a while...

9 opmerkingen:

  1. Dank je wel voor dit open en eerlijke bericht. Behalve dat je je hart lucht, leer je anderen om te gaan met sterven, met rouwen......En de conclusie trek je zelf al. Niet vechten. Eb en vloed lijkt het. Lief zijn voor jezelf. 'Het komt van achteren, je ziet het niet aankomen'. Dat herken ik zo.....Dag, een hartelijke groet van Madelief.

  2. Lieve Jan,

    weer zo open en zo eerlijk en de liefde voor Bram spat er weer af.

    Ik kan je geen advies geven, je moet je eigen manier vinden, maar er tegen vechten lijkt me nooit goed.

    Met tranen in mijn ogen tik ik je deze woorden. Jouw verdriet zorgt ook voor veel ontroering, Dikke knuffel JH

  3. Ken je Birds Requiem van Dafer Youssef? is misschien fijn voor je.

    1. Net gekocht....Wonderlijk Prachtig en precies wat ik nu nodig heb..XX

  4. keep fighting !!

    if you lay your head, all is lost, including yourself...

    the fighters will survive, the weaklings will drown..

    but ride the Tides like a Wavedancer... head and sometimes just nostrils above the surf...

    1. Yes, I will keep fighting in a way, but also I have to accept days like yesterday..to grieve and cry..and that is hard for me.. XX

  5. hai lieverd.
    ook vechters mogen gewoon zwak zijn af en toe.
    laat het gewoon gebeuren, het hoort bij het loslaten, hoe moeilijk ook....
    ik stuur je een heleboel warme knuffelsxxx

  6. I happened to google, "Dutch knitting blogs" tonight and came upon your blog. I cannot visit and leave without saying how very sorry I am for the loss of your great love. Grief is mysterious. I do believe that while it is hurting it is also healing. Our culture often does not have the language or social gestures when meeting someone who is grieving. It seems that you are very fortunate in having strong and loving support. Still, grief is intensely personal and each one must navigate their own way. Love unites us, regardless of which dimension we are in. I hope you can sense the strength of that love now that it isn't as easily recognizable or physically immediate. I wish you well. I wish you comfort. Kind thoughts from Canada...

  7. I have found that grieving / mourning is the one thing you cannot 'learn'. It is so different for everybody that there aren't any rules. So... you have to go as it takes you.
    That leaves you in unexpected circumstances and just at that time that you need him most, he isn't there (fysically) anymore.
    it is comforting to read you can remember him with friends and other loved ones. They have lost a great friend too..

    Huggs and kisses