dinsdag 1 oktober 2013

First Half Year...

At exact 11.30 hrs. this morning I posted a picture on Tumblr..
and 1 minute later I linked it to Facebook..
It was very important for me to do this.

I took this picture yesterday, to be used today..
11.30 hrs.. the moment his soul did fly away...26 weeks ago.

This is the first half year for me without him.
I have managed so far...

When you would have told me last year I wouldn't have believed that.
That it would be possible to go back into life.
I always thought that if that would happen to me I couldn't manage it.
That I wouldn't be able to laugh anymore. 
The opposite is true in a way. 
I remember that I even laughed in the afternoon when he had passed away.
I can go back to that Tuesday, and I see everything very clear.
It is totally not a vague memory. 
I have seen and felt everything with a clear mind.
Very aware of the moment.
And I did see him go.
Leaving Earth.

I am back at work..
I volunteer at the theater round the corner. 
(Love that, and because of that I already have seen beautiful performances).
I make a walk every day..and on Sunday a longer walk.
There are museum and gallery visits..
And over the last 2 weeks I did see 2 films from Jacques Tati at the cinema.
I spin my fleece...but still no knitting at all.
Every now and than I write a letter to him.
My blog is back to be read and I read a book before I go to sleep.
I am back to singing in my choir.

I don't stay inside..that wouldn't be good for me to do.

Usually I don't feel lonely, because there is a circle round me.
I only feel strange when I come home, and no one is there..
No one to talk to..silence.
Silence: when I go to bed and when I wake up.

I have my own rituals in this process. 
Rituals as bringing flowers to his grave every week..
and mostly I have the same ones at home.
Taking a picture each day to be placed on Tumblr.
And there are more...

Life has taken me back, has taken me back. Grabbed me back/
And I am letting that happen to me. 
Because I promised him that, and because I want that also.
I am pleased with that.
Life is beautiful too, and worth to be lived.

But I walk with his death and life in one hand, and in the other is my own life.
We walk together as always.

Something is taken away for me. 
Amputated is the right word for that.
That is how it feels...

Bram&Jan is still one name for me..
The Process continues.

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