maandag 23 september 2013

I am Allright...

Sometimes I want to write a post about a subject, but when trying to do this it doesn't work. I t seems that I can't find the right words, the right sentences, or the right mood.
At the moment when writing this, that occurs to me. That is why I write this now , and I hope the right opening will appear.
What do you want to write I asked myself...

I want to write about myself. On how I feel after Bram passed away, and how I cope with everything. In previous posts before -and even after- he passed away I have always been open about the situation we had to deal with.
I want to write about the things I do at he moment. 
My experience of living again alone after living together for more that 30 years.

Let's start than.. just as I talked to friends last night.

I often get the question: How are you? 
Usually my answer is: More or less allright.

Some days go better than others, but I can see at change happening within myself. The enormous pain and sadness I felt at the beginning has changed into a more acceptable feeling of loss and sadness. Tears can turn up at unexpected moments. But I know when that happens it will pass away, and I will feel better or lighter. I don't mind it if a day is partly filled with sadness.. That all is part of the process, and I am not afraid of it.
Ofcourse I often feel vulnerable, and there is the other feeling that this beautiful man is under my skin. That is a good feeling for me. I cherish that.

On the other hand, the feeling that he will never come back is there too. And that is something so difficult to see and feel. I know it when my mind is clear, but in a way I always hope that when I come home he will be there. I miss him. I even miss this man I had to take care for over the last years. It is a strange period in my life. To deal with something that I have never experienced before. 

I can say that I totally rely on my own feelings. That I don't need advice in that. Mourning is very personal. and no one can fill it in for you. I feel I am doing well...

Usually I go twice a week to the graveyard. 
To bring new flowers. 
To talk to him or be quiet. 
The amount of time is not important. Being there is enough. 

I got a poem send by Jos van Hest which is about going to a graveyard. That says it all.
(sorry, it is in Dutch..)

The graveyard is in the middle of the woods. About 20 minutes on my bike. There are always birds singing. You can see and feel the change of the seasons. Spring brought green leaves, and now with Autumn at the doorstep the leaves are turning into Autumn colors. 
For me it is a place to get into terms with everything. That is why it is good for me to go there as many times as I want.

Last week we did place the stone. It is logical for me to do this with my best friends P & A. We have done everything around the funeral by ourselves. We only had the undertaker for all the practical things which needed to be done. The rest was done by our circle of close friends.
So, to place the stone was one of the last steps we had to do. It all went fine, and was very special. Some moments in your life you will never forget.. this was one of them.

Ireland -and especially Connemara-  was a very special place for us over all the years we went there on holiday.
That is why this picture from the "Twelve Pins" was on the funeral card.

And that is why the stone on his grave comes from Ireland too. Simple engraved with his name. Simplicity was one of the key elements in his life..and especially in his working life as Interior architect.

(I am not going to show more about his grave. That is to personal for me, but because Bram was often mentioned in previous posts I think this just right to do.)

And that is also why the Crocosmia (or Montbretia) bulbs from Rossadillisk -which Anne did send me- are planted. It will be a little Irish Landscape at the end.

Well, I can honestly say that I feel More of Less Allright.

I did start working after the holidays. 4 lessons each day, and that went well. Tomorrow I get 2 hours extra and the plan is that I will work all the hours after the Autumn holiday in October.

After the poetry festival I asked if I could be a volunteer at the theater: "De Bouwkunde", just around the corner. They said yes, and now I already have worked at the cash- register for 2 evenings. Next will be the bar upstairs. There are great benefits in doing this. You can see the performance for free, and get discounts on other performances in town.
I haven't seen many performances over the last years, so this is the perfect chance for me to see at least 2 of them during a month.
I am not a person who stays inside the house. Even after he passed away I went outside. Since that day I make a walk each day. Walking brings me in balance. I wasn't feeling to well yesterday, so I decided to make a long walk alone. I did a walk we used to do together, but which we couldn't do anymore together for more than 6 years. Memories turned up of course while walking but I felt really better afterwards. But it might also have been the coffee with that "Appeltaart met Slagroom" after the walk that did the trick..

Bram and myself are so called People People and have always been interested in the world around us. That hasn't changed for me at all. And I am lucky with caring and supporting friends around me.

In a way it seems that Life has taken me back, and that I have taken Life back. Partly I think because I have a positive attitude toward life in general ,and deep inside I am an optimistic person. And partly because we have spoken about my life before he left. He always told me that for him it would be much more easier than for me.He was right in that. We have always talked about the issues of our life, and life in general. We have been extremely lucky with each other..extremely lucky that we have met, and shared our life for so many years.
I still have kept my positivity, and even from this hard time in my life I can see a positive outcome (but not every day). Mouring is Hard work every day... 
On the other hand.. I can understand that after losing the love of your life you can enter a dark part within yourself, and that you can fall into a deep depression...
Not for me at the moment......

But.. I have to admit..on the other hand..
I still HATE cooking and eating alone..
I HATE sleeping alone..and waking up alone..
I HATE coming home alone..
I just don't like it to live alone..
But I don't make it bigger than it is..some days I cook..some days I don't..
I am just not used to it, and it is just not so long ago that he passed away..
To be exact..25 weeks ago tomorrow..

Tonight I am going to see the 1949 Movie: "Jour de Fête" by Jacques Tati. I have seen the un-restored version about 25 years (or even more) together with Bram and I remember that we couldn't stop laughing. Tonight is the restored version, and Bram will sit next to me.

Last saturday -after visiting the graveyard with T- we went for coffee and cake to the Autumn-market at  the Nursery: Kwekerij "Het Nieuwe Veld"
I took some beautiful shots with my I-phone...and I feel that is a positive end of this blogpost..

2 opmerkingen:

  1. Enorme bewondering en waardering voor jou, en voor je vermogen dit alles zo onder woorden te brengen, en voor de inkijk in jouw beleving, waarvoor oneindige dank..
    Alle goeds, lieve groet..