donderdag 8 augustus 2013

First Time...

Yesterday was my birthday. I have turned 55.
It was strange to wake up alone after an evening full of tears before the morning.
No one next to me to give me a kiss and a present, as I was used over the last 30 years.
First time... there have been many "First Times" over the last months. 

First time going to a party alone..and first time coming home alone after that party...
First time going on holiday alone..and first time coming home alone...
First time cooking a meal for me alone..and eating it alone.... 
(to tell you the truth..I hate cooking at the moment..and I used to love it..)
First time sleeping alone in our double bed...
First time telling people that he had passed away...(that still happens..)
First time going to the market and realizing that you don't need that amount of oranges anymore..

And there are more...many more First Times...

Living alone after living together for so long will take a lot of time to get used to it..if I ever get used to it....
I don't see the benefits of it..
We used to make important decisions together..
and making them alone is not that easy for me.

But I see a change happening also..just a little change within myself.

Being home now for 2 weeks after being away for 1 month I realize that in a way I get my own life back. A big part of my life over the last 6 years was dedicated to my care for him. I will never ever regret doing that, because it has taught me important lessons of life.
I realize that my life moves on..but..his death is moving with me. And that will always be the case in the future. So it a double move..which can be hard to see and feel..
Unexpected sad moments..unexpected tears out of the blue...On and off...

And it is only 18 weeks ago he passed away..

That is the double and sometimes triple feeling you get from mourning and grieving.
I can say that I love life...
I have an optimistic character which helps me...
But I also miss my life with him..
A part of my life is missing..he is missing....

The holiday has done good. It has been difficult -but also good and very needed- in Scotland. The confrontation was every moment round the corner, because we have been there so many times together. But is was needed too, to have a close look at it, and to realize how wonderful the holidays we have had together over all those years.
The luck we had with each other that we both loved those kind of landscapes.
And the luck I have with dear friends living there, who took such good care of me.

In London I realized that I could stay hours in a museum without having the feeling that I needed to go home because I was needed there. But I missed his eyes. His sharp eyes. But I guess his eyes are in my eyes too. So I went to several museums during the four days I stayed there. It was easier to walk around in London than in Scotland, because we only have been there together 2 times years ago. There is no history together over there.
So a part of me came back...

We have never been together to Guernsey. That made it easier to go there. But the ferry trip to Guernsey was unexpected difficult for me. We both love ferry-trips..and now I was alone. No one to talk to, no one to drink coffee with and sit outside in the sun.
But staying with my soulmate there was in another way very good. Nice weather, swimming in the bay, barbecues with her friends, cooking together and drinking wine outside and talking about our lives we live at the moment.

A lot of people think it is brave that I took this step. Perhaps it is, but Bram and myself have talked about this. He told me to go away this summer. So in a way I had to do it. And he was right telling me to has brought me important insights.

Helping me a lot during difficult moments in the holiday have been the idea to write letters to him from the moment the holiday did start.
I love writing, and while writing those letters clear moments and insights appeared to me.
"Dear Bram...and Lots of Love from Me" was the beginning and the end of those letters.
Maybe I am going to do something with them in the future..For the moment I still write him letters, but not on a daily basis anymore..and they are only for him to read.
And also I take a picture each day for my Getting Grip visual diary on Tumblr.

I could write much more...
but time to pour me a glass of wine..
There is some leftover from last night, and it would be a shame not to drink it.
To life..To Bram..and to you All..Cheers..

8 opmerkingen:

  1. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

    Beautiful tribute and beautifully written.

  2. I feel like a voyeur reading such a personal journey through grief and I haven't met you (yet) Jan. But I do think we will, and then you'll get a BIG hug and I'll thank you for letting me learn lessons about life through yours. <3

  3. Hartverwarmend dat je zoveel vrienden hebt dat je ├ęcht de tijd hebt gehad om van alles te doen, te beleven, te voelen en te herinneren!
    Je hebt gemerkt dat hij nog steeds bij je is, in je hart maar ook in de omgeving!
    De foto is prachtig en ontroerend!

  4. Love and continued strength to you.


  5. Beautifully written, Jan, and a great foto!


  6. We hebben elkaar nooit ontmoet, maar door je blog en je foto's 'zie' ik je al jaren regelmatig.
    Je bent een dapper mens, je zorg en aandacht voor Bram was ontroerend om te lezen. En ik ben dan ook blij dat jij bij je vrienden diezelfde zorg en aandacht nu krijgt.
    Ik wens je veel liefde, en de veerkracht om ook zonder je lief door te gaan.