Living now -already for a long time- with a husband who gets weaker by the day, makes me think about important aspects of life and our relation.
What is We and what is He and Me?
Our relation sofar was about We. For us was -and still is- doing things together something we really like(d). Ofcourse we both had our work during the week, but the weekends belonged to us. Wether that was a visit to a museum or going into town for shopping..etc...Together was the startingpoint. Not that we didn't go to friends for dinner, sure we did, (we both love the active social life), but we just enjoy eachothers company.
That is what friends and our nurses see...2 commited men, who care and are responsible for eachother. I am happy that this is so visible and seen by all of them. It makes me realize how important it all has been,and still is. We have encouraged eachother, and have grown together into this. Not as cycling on 1 bicycle, but each on a bicycle going the same way. (Funny, I just saw the 2 bicycles on the picture at the top...)
There is a boundary now appearing which is visible for the both of us.
I can be there for him till a certain point. Doing all the care with love is my startingpoint. It is important to stay as close as we can to eachother. Talking is what we do. Memories about the holidays we have enjoyed so much, and people we have met. Friends come for visits, and touching moments appear. Phonecalls from Ireland and Scotland. And I tell him everyday that I love him and how important he is for me. And so does he.
That is what we do, but..there is also a wall at the horizon (and sometimes it is even closer by). We both stand at the other end. That is sometimes frustrating. We gets 'I' and 'I'.
I want to do everything for him, but the most important part in this proces is to realize that we both have to do steps ourselves where no one can help us. I can't feel his tiredness and neither can I feel the other processes in his body. Friends support us, but even there is a boundary now.
I try to understand his fear and sadness, but all I can do is try to understand it, and respond on it, so he calms down. He can say it, but I can't feel it. That is new for the both of us, and very difficult to handle at certain moments.
Sometimes I wish I could take things over from him, because I don't want to see him suffering. Guess parents feel the same when their child gets ill. A logical, but unrealistic feeling. But on the other hand it tells everything about commitment and love, and how far one would go for the other.
At the end, each one of us must take steps alone.
'We' will be a Memory. My most important memory of my life sofar.
From this writing one could think that life nowadays is only hard to deal with.
It is hard, and their are days that I am really scared.
More tears, more sadness, more uncertainty...
But not only...
I can feel the care and support from friends.
They help us, and they will continue with this as long as needed.
That is a relief and a big help.
A little train has arrived...