zondag 25 december 2011

A Different Christmas...

It is Christmas today and we are together at home. Holiday did start on Friday and I am 2 weeks off. This morning I made Red Orange Curd to fill a just baked simple Cake. Whenever I feel out of balance I start baking and today is not an exception.
This Christmas is not as it used to be. It is different because we got not good news from the hospital about 10 days ago. After that I was not in the mood anymore to buy a tree and decorate it with my knitted Christmas balls. Just 2 candles are lighted in the window every evening. Christmas day is just a day passing by....

In the beginning of November we went for research to the Radboud Academic Hospital in Nijmegen. Bram's situation had become worse. Very tired all day and his mobility was and is very weak. Because we didn't had any trust in the hospital in our City we had to take this step. After half a day testing they had the idea to search in the direction of problems in the veins of his brain. It needed more research so we had to go back for a whole day of tests and a scan from his head.
3 weeks later we got the results.
Some little veins in his brain are damaged and also the part which takes care of Mobility is damaged. The part which is about remembering (short and long term) is also damaged. His tiredness comes out of the fact that everything takes a lot of energy.
The results of this all will be a combination from vascular dementia and Alzheimer and he is at the startingpoint of it. I hadn't expected this esspecially when the word Alzeheimer was mentioned. My mother passed away of vascular dementia, but I hadn't combined it with Bram's vain problems. We will get help from all different directions and organizations in the future. Friends and neighbours are very supportive. I feel blessed with so many loving and caring people around us.

Since that day I feel my and our life is tumbling again. Ever since he had his first operation 5 years ago we have the feeling that we are loosing the battle and we definitely can't win this one.
Some days go well, some days there are tears and some days it is like normal days we had. But there is always a shadow around us. It is hard to deal with. The future is uncertain (we don't know how fast or slow it will go) and certain (we will loose at the end). One important feeling is still there: the Great Love we feel for eachother. It is almost 29 years ago we met. Every now and than it feels like yesterday, but thinking of it there are such great memories to cherish. I am very easy into tears these days. It just has to go out every now and than to keep healthy.

It is not easy to write this down. Writing about the pleasant aspects of life is much easier. Being open about our life has always been a topic in our life. So this aspect won't be held behind closed doors.

We had our yearly Street Dinner a week ago. And I did a little speech to tell everyone what is going on with Bram. It was hard to tell, emotions were running ofcourse, but everyone was so supportive and we felt so much love and care around us.
I had baked little puff cakes filled with Cementine and Cointreau Curd mixed with Mascapone.

Recipe makes about 750 g:
Juice and zest 4 large clementines (enough to make 125ml)
Juice and zest 1 lemon
4 large eggs , beaten
125g golden caster sugar
125g unsalted butter, diced
1 tablespoon Cointreau

Put all ingredients, exept the Cointreau, into a heatproof bowl set over a pan of gently simmering water. Stirring constantly, cook for 20/25 minutes so so until the curd is very thick and coats the back of a wooden spoon. Stir in the Cointreau and let it cool down.

Today I made a twist by using BloodOranges and I know you can also make Lemon or Lime curd in the same way.

With Christmas I always by red Tulips and yesterday I have bought a nice cookbook too. It is called Home Made Winter and I love it. Simple recipes from Ireland, France and Holland and I am defenitely cooking from it..

I did start this post with a picture from a button. Knitting has helped me so much over the years. I am working on several projects and the latest one I finished is my New Winter Scarf.

It was a Simple and Mindless knit and it looks great on my Wintercoat. The only problem is that the Cold hasn't arrived yet...

My ChristmasHolidayKnit is a real Lopapeysa..Strange word for an Icelandic sweater. I have had one in the late 70's knitted by me and my Mum, but that one has disappeared strangely..So a revival was needed and I have cast on a new one in red, dark purple, green, blue and grey.

No, I didn't fancy one in natural colours...but this is the pattern..

I am aware that this is a post can be hard to read....but please don't worry...we are dealing the best we can... and despite the fact that he is very tired we still have plenty to talk and laugh about...Time to fill my cake now and prepare for Dinner...

With Love from Me

6 opmerkingen:

  1. I am moved by you love for each other, the open communication and your over all attitude. Love you both!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. lieve mooie Jan,

    wat had ik gehoopt op ander nieuws voor jullie..
    ik wens jullie heel veel kracht toe en veel mooie momenten samen.

    xxx Hellen

  3. I am hoping you will have a lovely Christmas in spite of news you received. Nothing in life is certain, except for love.

    Peace to you today.

  4. Lieve Jan,

    als je blij bent,
    als je boos bent,
    als je verdrietig bent,
    als je verliefd bent,
    als je twijfelend bent,
    als je verontwaardigd bent,
    als je bezorgt bent,
    als je daar ergens tussen in bent,
    en als je jezelf bent.
    dan zullen wij er altijd voor je zijn!! <'3

    Je mentorklas

  5. Jan, soms is nieuws vernietigend..
    En de enige zekerheid in het leven is, dat er geen zekerheid bestaat..
    Van harte nog veel meer kracht, moed, en licht en warmte gewenst voor jullie beiden.
    Lieve groet..

  6. Treurnis, weemoed en verlangen. Op afstand bungelen sneeuwklokjes en bloeien narcissen. De wereld verschuift.
    Doe je de hartelijke groeten aan Bram?