vrijdag 10 september 2010

Living inbetween...

Bram's operation will take place this afternoon. Yesterday he was brought by ambulance to the hospital in Zwolle. The hospital in Zwolle is very different from the hospital in Deventer which is brand new. But nurses and doctors are usually very friendly people and they really take good care of him. I went by car behind and was round 10.30 in the hospital. While driving among the river Ijssel I listened to music I bought on Shetland which moved me. I am really found of the landscape which surrounds Deventer and the drive to Zwolle goes almost among that river.
Blood was taken, tests were done, all to prepare him for the operation which would start at 7.45 today, but a little later they put him round 13.00 hrs and if nothing comes between (like an emergency case, so they do need Operation Rooms which happened yesterday) it will happen.
Till tomorrow it wasn't sure because yesterday some blood values started rising and if they wouldn't have been dropped today the operation would have been cancelled because they don't want to take risks. But I phoned round 8.30 and they confirmed the operation time. It is rather scary but I am almost 100% sure it will be a positive result. The hospital is one of the best for heart operation and is very specialised it it. So he is in really capable hands, no doubts about that. They also have a special program for the family, so they also take good care of me. They will phone me when the operation starts, than every 2 hours and after the operation the surgeon will call to tell all details. Than we can come to Intensive Care to see him. He won't be concious but we just want to see him. You are not allowed to go there alone, so someone will go with us.
In between the various tests Bram became very tired, so he took some sleep and I went down to the hall to have some coffee, cake and a moment to reflect. I had taken an easy knit with me so I knitted a few rows and I noticed it really calmed me down. After that Jochum (Bram's son) came and we had some really nice and special time with him.
But it is a strange moment in my life. Over the last days I felt living in a kind of glass cloche, a very small world surrounded by the love and care of friends and family. It is in a way not the real world but on the other hand it is my real world now. Feelings go up and down. One moment there is a shock, the other moment relief and after that tears but also laughter and determination that all will go well. For 99% I am an optimistic person which is very useful now, so I can deal with it. This operation is different from Bram's aneurysm operation 2,5 years ago and I am dealing with this one much better after I have learned a lesson in that previous period. Like things as:accepting invitations to come over for dinner, being open on my feelings and sharing if I feel the need for it.
And there are wonderful things happening also. This week the postman brought a package from Switzerland from my dear friend Franzi in which I found "Lebkuchen with a little bear" on it as I have written about in a previous post. Last night I came home and found a big heart on the table waiting for me.
To keep myself going and to stay focused I decided to make a little photo-book on FaceBook named: Hospital Blues. Not from Bram's face but from all things which surrounded him. Here are a few and the rest can be seen on FB.
So in a few hours they will start and I am almost sure my next post will be a very happy one. Thanks for all the comments and mails. I feel blessed with so much love around me.

3 opmerkingen:

  1. In gedachten in de wacht kamer met je.

  2. Kaarsje brandt, jullie zijn al heeld e dag in mijn gedachten.
    Ik wens jullie erg veel kracht toe.

    Prachtig weer beschreven, die achtbaan van emotisch. Herkenbaar.
    Heel knap dat je onder deze omstandigheden zo mindfull bent en breit en van die prachtige foto's maakt. Boeiende herinneringen.

  3. My heart goes out to you!!!!! I wish you all there is to wish, as long as you can see the colors of life and love you will be ok,! you gave me strenght I'll pass it back, together we will make it!love always to you and Bram, Franzi