woensdag 8 september 2010

Everything tumbled.....

And just when I had saved a part of the 2nd episode of my Shetland Holiday everything tumbled in my life. Last Friday I got a phone call from a friend of us and she told me that Bram was with her and not feeling well. I went there as fast as I could on my bike and found him looking very pale and having pressure on his chest. I phoned the emergency doctor but because I sounded calm he mentioned to me to wait till our own doctor was back from lunch. I picked up the car and we drove home. But being at home we both got slightly panicked. I phoned the doctor again because he felt more worse. After 5 minuted he was with us and checked and decided to get the ambulance and Bram was taken to the hospital. I grabbed the things he might needed and packed them in a bag.I felt like being in a film and there was no time to think. Driving behind the ambulance which was one of the weirdest moments in my life knowing that he was in it. Strange, but I had to take this picture, probably to realize what was happening to us.To be really aware of it....
At Emergency Intensive Care he got medicines to calm down (very high blood pressure),blood was taken and a heart film was made.The first results in the evening showed a light cardiac infarction. After 8 hours after the infaction they can find things in the blood which shows what is has been. He was taken to the Intensive Care Unit and connected to all kinds of machinery. The staff was so supportive and kind to the both of us.
We both realized that we were lucky to be home and that it hadn't happened while on holiday. After the first result I went home, phoned some friends and relatives and cried and cried...
Saturday passed by with more tests and and me buying pyjamas in town. Every now and than the pressure on his chest came back but with medicine it went away. He slept a lot during the day while I hold his hand. We cried together and we felt very close to each-other.Strange maybe, but in a way I was relieved that now he was taken care of and that something might be found after all the years that his health went down and no one could find anything.
Bram has been very, very tired over the last year and his walking became very difficult and even last year they did a heart test with no result ( I did write a blog-entry about it). So strange that no one in the hospital noticed something. No doctor was curious and I remember the geriatric doctor told him after she couldn't find anything that he was over 70... so those things could happen when you are getting older.I am not blaming them but will ask without judgement how this can happen.
All friends, neighbours and family are very supportive and everyone really takes good care of me. After the previous operation from Bram (an aneurysm, almost 3 years ago) I tried to do everything by myself, but at the end I collapsed.That has learned me a lesson to hand it over and to accept help. Paul, one of my best friends who lives 5 houses of (I know him from Art school when we went there by car,; we are the same age and both having birthday at the 7th of August)told me to be slightly "more egoistic" to mention to them to come over for dinner, not to socialize but to make it more easy for myself.
On Sunday he was taken of from Intensive Care and brought to a General Nursing department because everything has calmed down.
Monday morning they did the heart catheterization on him. Round 12.30 I got Bram on the phone who told me that he needed to have a by-pass operation because his right coronary artery was almost closed and there were 2 other problems which couldn't be solved with angioplasty. The cardiologist told him that he was really in the danger zone and that if it hadn't happened right now it could have been fatal for him.So everything tumbled again...and after tea at a neighbour I calmed down.
We both know there is no other way, no other choice. Bram has always been very afraid for this operation and always told me that he hoped before this kind of operation he would be passed away. Heart problems are in his family and his mother passed away when she was 42 after a heart infarct. In a way I am very optimistic and try to look at the positive side of it. But I also know it is a very heavy operation and his condition is not very good. On the other hand I know the surgeons in Zwolle (where the operation will take place, 40 km from here) are very good and very capable. It is just very scary....
Bram is dealing with it in his own way. He is a very "social" person and he is making contact with all staff and the other patients in his room. I guess, they all love him in a way because who he is. He could tell me on Sunday that Judith (a very kind nurse) was living in Twello, was married and had 2 sons and one of the 2 (who was 2) was very good in killing flies. This spontaneity is really how he is, but on the other hand he has to learn to tell them when he is not feeling well. He is that kind of person who always feels that other are having it far more difficult than he has. They have told him that it is really serious and that he is not in the hospital for a slight problem at his big toe.This week all kind of tests will be done on him and maybe the operation will take place next week.
For me..I am very, very tired. Sleeping is not very good but I feel that it all has to do with al my energy who went in it all these years of taking care of him. I need to take care of myself and deal with it. Over the last months it sometimes became almost too much for me, to difficult to deal with and there has been moments I wanted to step out of it. I am sure I would never have done it, but the feeling was there: to step out of it and leave everything behind. Maybe very selfish, but I never took the step...Simply because I love him.
At work they are very supportive and my head of department told me not to think about work and so did my director. Days go by with phone-calls, mails, visits to the hospital etc. etc. I bought myself a book yesterday to celebrate that he is still with me because I realize now that he everything could have been totally different for the both of us if it all had been too late. I knit in between to keep calm and writing this blog- entry helps me to stay focused in a way and to keep everything clear for myself. It is not easy after all, but at the end I hope all will tumble back into the right direction.
P.S. Shetland part 2 will appear soon... I promise

6 opmerkingen:

  1. Heel veel sterkte gewenst. De komende tijd zal veel kleine ups en downs kennen, laten we hopen dat de ups zullen overheersen.
    Zorg goed voor jezelf, pas dan kun je ook goed voor een ander zorgen.

  2. Jan,

    I am so very sorry to hear about Bram's heart troubles. It is so difficult to bear; promise me that you don't make yourself sick as well and make sure that you take care to seek out and accept help from others.

    Please give my best to Bram and remember, there are folks here in the US thinking and praying for the both of you!

    All the best! Love, Lydia

  3. Veel sterkte en het is goed dat je het in woorden zet.

    Liefs, en ik denk aan Bram Vrijdag.

  4. Lieverd, wat een verhaal, wat een emoties, wat een angst, wat erg allemaal.
    Fijn dat je het met ons deelt.
    Ik wens jullie beide heel veel kracht om het allemaal te dragen en om door te kunnen gaan.

    Vrijdag brand hier een kaarsje.

  5. Erg onder de indruk van de wijze waarop je de afgelopen (emotioneel zo hectische) periode beschrijft. Voor de komende periode wens ik je enorm veel sterkte.( vooral de eerste IC - dagen kunnen erg indrukwekkend zijn!) Voor Bram: ik wens je een goed verlopend herstel, met uiteindelijk een verbetering voor je gezondheid! Heel veel liefs, mijn gedachten zijn bij jullie beiden! Nelly