zondag 12 september 2010

Everything tumbled again...

As was to be expected: everything tumbled again to the positive. At 17.45 on Friday-afternoon I got a phone-call form the surgeon who told me that everything went well with the operation and he could tell me that Bram has got 6 By-Passes. After I had put down the telephone I got a phone-call from the nurse who who had guided me through the operation telling me that I could come to see Bram at Intensive Care round 19.45. They had started the operation with 1 hours delay at 14.00 hrs. I got phone-calls form the hospital every 2 hours telling me how everything was going and how I was feeling. I have found this very useful for the family and friends round the patient and it gave a more secure feeling to it. Usually this kind of operation can be done between 3 and 6 hours and with Bram it almost took 5 hours.
So there were tears from relief,phone-calls and sms messages from friends and I felt that this was one of the special moments in my life and in our relation and while writing this tears come up again.
Friday was a strange day. Bram and I had talked about it and decided that I should not come over to Zwolle in the morning, but I did a phone-call instead. There is no need to stay the whole day in the hospital so I stayed home instead. You know something is going to happen which is very scary but I tried to keep myself going with things as doing the laundry, knitting, coffee in town and a chat with a friend, going on Facebook and writing ow the situation was..but my mind was was in Zwolle all day. I felt so much support and love around me during the day which helped me to come through.
So I was over the moon when I drove in the evening to Zwolle. Jochum and I were taken to Intensive Care after preparation on how things could be with Bram but he looked fine to me. His skin colour was OK and the IC-assistant guaranteed us that everything was going well.In a way it was strange to see this "lively person as Bram is" connected to machines and computers but on the other-hand I realized that he was still alive and that everything could have gone totally wrong if this all hadn't happened and he wouldn't be alive right now. We stayed about 1 hour and left with a good feeling back home. A few neighbours came,we had a good glass of wine and celebrated.
On Saturday morning I woke up early and before breakfast I went to buy some food in town. Met some people in the shops we know quite well and could tell them that all went well. It was great to tell the good news. Because we live right in the centre of Deventer (Bram more than 40 years and I 27...and because the centre is not big... and because we are both very social persons we know a lot of people. Deventer centre is like a living room for us so meeting up is very easy. After breakfast we went to Zwolle and Bram had just left the IC and was placed in a nursing-room with 6 beds. Not good for him because he is a person who in these kind of situation needs quietness. He was not 100% aware of us (in the afternoon he knew nothing any more from our visit) but we had a small talk. We left after a short time and I had a talk with a nurse about this room and he told me that they also had noticed that and that he would be taken to a room for himself.
Back in Deventer we had coffee and lunch in town. I bought some flowers for myself to celebrate life and could not resist these beautiful hydrangea. We went back to Zwolle to see him and came in just after 4 o'clock. I could see immediately that he was not comfortable with himself which I can understand. Pain in his chest when he had to cough. He had to sit for half an hour in a chair which had made him dizzy. Hard to see but all I could do was give him as much a support he needed, but even holding hands was too much for him. It was and is very hard he has to go through. He got a new cushion, I put his bed more up and down, helped him with drinking tea and water, asked for another pudding but nothing seemed to give him more comfort.I spoke at the end of the visiting time with the very kind Nurse Liesbeth and she decided to give him his medicines to get more calmer and sleepy earlier than planned. So I left a rather not feeling well Bram in the hospital and drove home to Deventer and felt so sad for him.
It is hard to see your lover in such a state and there is nothing you can do to take everything from his pain and uncertainty. When I was home Paul and Anja (very good friends who live in our street) came over to see me and it was good for me to share my feelings with them and I could cry. Deep in me I know everything will turn out well but this is one of the hardest time in my life and it such an emotional roller-coaster. I have never cried so much as over the last week. I really know it will turn out fine and he will be home hopefully soon, but it is just hard right now to come through.
This afternoon I hope he is feeling slightly better. Just phoned the hospital: he hadn't slept very well but was not panicking which is a slight relief to me. He and I will come over it but it will take a lot of time. It's now Sunday-morning round 9.30 and rain is falling on the window in my workroom. I have woken up much too early but can't sleep so well during these days. I am going to make some breakfast but really felt the need for writing this first.

8 opmerkingen:

  1. Lieve Jan, meer dan 'good vibes' kan ik je niet sturen, maar weet dat die oprecht gemeend zijn. Neem hugs zoveel als je wilt.

  2. Bedankt Jan, dat je ons steeds zo goed op de hoogte houdt. Ook voor jezelf zeker prettig om van je af te schrijven en te delen.
    Hier ook een traanjte weg gepinkt.

  3. En weer een nieuwe dag, hopelijk met een duidelijk begin van vooruitgang!

  4. Harde, zware tijd, je leeft de hele week naar de operatie toe, maar misschien is dit net zo heftig. Hoe gaat het nu verder.. En hoe zal hij zich voelen/zijn over 2 weken?


  5. Lieve Jan,

    Ik wens jullie zoveel goeds en moois toe...
    Met zoveel liefde moet er nog veel moois voor jullie in het verschiet liggen...


  6. Net terug van een korte vakantie en heel blij met je goede nieuws - een paar keer aan jullie gedacht de laatste dagen. Ook sterkte gewenst van mijn moeder Marina.

  7. Oh Jan, I know how hard this must be for both of you. I am sending comforting hugs and good wishes across the oceans to you both. Remember to breathe, and release the worry. Focus on the healing. Sending you love...

  8. Tranen over m'n wangen, ik weet zo goed hoe machteloos je je kan voelen. Het wordt beter Jan, jullie moeten hierdoor. Ook de angst moet overwonnen worden, maar dan breekt het zonnetje weer door voor jullie tweetjes hoop ik.
    Hier brandt een kaarsje voor jullie,
    Sterktebeterschapsliefs Anje.